Beyond “Good Job”: What I’m Learning About Raising Kind, Confident Kids (and Why I Photograph the Small Moments)
“Good job!” she told me, beaming, as I painted my toes this afternoon.
My 2-year-old’s sweet little compliment melted me in half. There’s nothing quite like getting unsolicited praise from a toddler — it’s one of those small, fleeting moments of childhood that, as a Seattle family photographer, I find myself chasing every single day, both behind the camera and in my own living room.
Funny timing, though — that same morning, I was reading in the Montessori Child about getting kids to cooperate and they touched on the idea of saying “good job” that Alfie Kohn expanded. I read all about how praise is so important but saying “good job” can feel instantly artificial and can lead to kids performing for praise verses connecting to their actions.
One alternative Kohn suggests: name what they did, then name the value behind it. For example (…based on actual events haha), “you gave your sister half of your cookie, that’s generous” or “you peed in the potty when it felt scary, that’s bravery.”
Instead of a generic gold star, the kid gets two things: a clear mirror (“here’s exactly what I did”) and a word for it (“and here’s what that’s called”). Over time, that’s how they build a vocabulary for their own character — not “I’m the kid who gets told good job,” but “I’m someone who is generous. Brave. Curious.”
A List of Values Worth Noticing
I love this idea so much I sat down and made a list of values I want to watch for — the qualities I hope show up in my kids over and over, in small, everyday moments I might otherwise miss. I brainstormed some values and suggest picking a couple to focus on or even printing this little chart for yourself (I put mine on the fridge).
The plan: instead of reaching for “good job” on autopilot, I’m going to try to catch these moments as they happen and name them. Not as a performance review, just as a quiet little flashlight pointed at who they already are.
Why This Matters to Me as a Family Photographer
Here’s the part of the journal where I try to connect everything with my business which isn’t terribly hard since I focus (pun?) my photography on kids anyway. When talking about kids, I want to help us all out because the truth is I’ll tell my kids “good job” many times today which is exactly why my 2 year old knows this concept. And when I photography your child playing in the water at Carkeek Park or Golden Gardens, we’ll all be relieved and say “good job” when they stop running into the water. But then if I’m lucky, for your family photos, we’ll also be a little more curious and follow the kid’s lead to play in the water for the beach family photo session and I’ll get the best documentary style image with water splashing in our faces. Then we’ll say “good j…you shared the idea to play in the water, that was creative!”
Try This With Me
Have you heard of this “Anti-Good Job” before? I’d love to know if you’ve tried it, or if you have other values on your own list.
And if you’re up for a little experiment with me — pick one value from the list (or one of your own) and spend this week actively looking for it in your kid. And let me know how it goes.
And if you’d love to have these little moments captured before they’re gone — generosity, bravery, curiosity and all — I’d be honored to be the one behind the camera. Book a Seattle family photography session and let’s document this season of your family’s life, exactly as it is.
